to the better times

Well, I haven't fallen off a cliff. I took a mini-vacation for Kara's wedding which was awesome. (pictures on my myspace) I got a cold while I was there though which sucked and I'm pretty sure I had a fever during the reception b/c I felt kinda woozy. It didn't help that I drank and on the way to the reception felt car sick BECAUSE I GOT TO RIDE IN A LIMO! (which was still awesome even though I felt really sick) I met some really awesome people and made friends. Someone even asked for my number :) Do you ever feel like you're a big loser and no one likes you and then you go hang out with old friends and they tell you how great and funny you are and then someone even says that you're pretty? I love those kind of weekends. Makes me feel better about me. B/c I'm really mean to me sometimes. You are your own worst judge. That is the truth. However, when I got back sunday I found out that a good friend, individual of mine from work died. I'm still really shooken up about it. It's shocking/paralyzing. I just talked to her a week ago and today she's dead. She had a heart attack and it would have happened whether she was with us or at Elcor. She had a tear in her heart, her aortic valve. She went very quickly. I just can't believe it though. I went to her funeral today and it's really hard to hold back the tears. It's hard to be at work, it's hard to hug people, it's hard to watch people cry. People that have known her for their whole life just break down. I feel like breaking down. She used to say "nobody loves me" and it pains me to think that she really felt that way. There were so many people at her funeral. So many people just aching b/c they'll never see her again. We used to sing every freaking day. The stupidest songs. Every morning I would go into her room and say "goooooooooddddd morning Marijean!" and she would say "it's vietnam I don't want to get up" She was so smart, funny, and caring. I just miss her so much. I'm trying to remember the good times and bad times to honor her life. But I know I'm selfish and have to cry to heal. This is just really hard for me to deal with right now. Already they're talking about filling her room with someone new. It makes me feel a little sick when I think about it. The funeral was very nice. It was a catholic funeral and very respectful. It was closed casket which I'm kind of upset about b/c to me this seems all so surreal. I know it's sick but I want proof. I want concrete evidence that she's gone. That it's not a box. And I know it's not a box but it just is so much. She really was my friend. I cared for her b/c it was my job but I really did care and it sucks.

We all have something that digs at us

I think I'm going to get an attorney and file bankruptsy. gah! I was supposed to talk to a credit counsellor but they never called me back. That is so discouraging. Anyway in happier news I'm going to be in Kara's wedding this Saturday. I'm excited. I have to get my nails done tomorrow. I just got out of work a little while ago. I was supposed to get out at 9:30p but there's always work to be done. Plus, with state coming soon if you leave anything there will be write ups. I love being threatened. :-p Another person quit our house. I don't see how they can just go. Today I was talking to this lady I work with and I just can't see myself not working with these people . I think that's why I don't pursue the jobs I should be pursuing. I am so poor. Don't pity me I have everything I want. I have terrible persepective, a very weak budget, and no fall back money b/c I buy my wants before my needs. gah I hate myself sometimes. I don't want to blog right now.

my brother is here!

I'm very happy to say my brother is finally here! He's loaded up on xanax though... which makes him less fun. :-\ I hate that I work and I can't see him half the time he's here but alas, that is what happens when you make the kind of bills I make. I'm not the head of the household but I am the first one to wake and the last one to bed. It really sucks. Everyone's too tired to talk. I've been really trying to quit smoking for obvious reasons. My whole family is cancer-prone and I light up whenever I'm stressed and after I eat. Lately I've noticed I've been smoking more than usual. NOT GOOD turn back run for your life, literally. *sigh* I have to be at work at 7am yuck. At least I don't have to work at the video store tomorrow night I can visit with my brother, watch some movies, eat some good food. I stocked up today on junk food. I've been thinking about going on a diet but everytime I do that I buy junk food. I set myself up for failure. I was thinking about playing my DDR game. I lose weight when I play it, and I'm really good at it. (Dance Dance Revolution) check it out, it's wicked fun, if you can keep a beat. I think some schools use it in gym class and music class. oh my Guitar Hero 3 is out! I want it. I have 2, I beat the easy and medium levels.

I was talking to my dad today about going back to college, and he thinks I should go back full time and not have a job. I think that is crazy talk. I can't imagine not having a job. I have one friend who doesn't have a job b/c she's like a princess... she finds a guy and he buys her things. That's not completely true, but it is! damn it! and she doesn't do anything all day. She reads, I wish I got read all day. However! I would go nuts just reading. I like doing customer service b/c it keeps me on my toes. It keeps me engaged. Is that the right word? Like I feel like I am more apathetic and aware of people in general by working with the public. I don't know plus some people really are great, and I love knowing them even on that basic aquiantence level. I love the people I work with at the video store. Seriously, they are amazing people. It changes a lot though. I'm very work oriented. I think about work a lot b/c I don't have a boyfriend. haha!

I get hit on a lot at the video store. It is really awkward. Mostly they're men twice my age who are married, or living with someone women (to whom they have children with) I am not that girl. Just b/c I'm overweight does not mean I have lower standards. I am not a homewrecker. I do not want to date druggies, straight-edgers who have now substitued holes in their body for the drugs they used to do. Come on grow up and think of the future. All I do is think about the future. I am not thinking of the now unless I'm thinking of how much my life sucks sometimes... but then I always have my five year plan(s). I don't know maybe I'm crazy. I should probably go see someone about that.

Oh, My doctor has just decided he'd rather play music than be a doctor. He's on leave. Weird. He's been my doctor for 23 years! I don't like that kind of change. Mostly I don't like the other doctors at the clinic. Mine is the best.

I bought this game last month, and I need to buy more of them. It's called Tantrix. It's these little thick plastic pieces that have arc's on them different color arc's and you have to use so many to make a circle or loop. It's pretty neat. I love mind teasers. I really think that I have like some form of A.D.D. Sorry if I'm scatter brained. I'm more of a free-flowing writer.

happy halloween

Tonight was our halloween party at the group home. It turned out very nice. I have a lot of cool pictures. Overall I hope everyone had nothing less than a blast. Last night one of our staff finally let the house know that he was leaving the agency. That always sucks. So needless to say the past two days have been filled with outbursts, physical, and verbal aggression. I've been having a tough time with work. I recently tried to bid to another house b/c I feel I am not appreciated by my superior. Also, I got a verbal warning in writing about a couple things that I totally disagree with. There's nothing I can do about it without getting fired. So I really feel trapped. Especially b/c I just got a letter the other day in my mailbox about how I cannot bid to another job until my job is satisfactory. I just cannot believe that they feel that I am unsatisfactory at my job. I do my res habs, I do my paperwork, I go above and beyond everyday b/c I love the people that I work with. People around me get rewarded for things that I've already done. Yes I am bitter, yes I am mad. I told my boss this and he told me I should move on from the warning. I told him I couldn't b/c it is not fair. I'm trying not to be negative but it's really hard when someone you don't know that doesn't know you turns you in for running a yellow light (I was investigated, humiliated over this) The lady that turned me in said I was speeding and ran a yellow light so she followed me to the agency. I wasn't allowed to drive the agency vehicle for a month, and I had to pay for my own defensive driving course... which was a joke b/c you just sit there and talk about your most humiliating/terrifying/stupid moments in driving. *breathe* I'm looking for another job but I really like the people I work with. I'm so torn but I have to do what is best for me. My head's just spinning. I'm not very superstitious but lately I've been doing superstitous things. I believe you create your own destiny but damn what'd I do to deserve this. The gods must be crazy. Moving on, My brother is coming home for the weekend! yay! For halloween I was a Stepford Wife... but really I just dressed up really hoity-toity. I really need to go visit my grandma. I've been thinking about her non-stop. It just sucks working two jobs. 65 clocked in hours is a lot. Can't get overtime or we get written up! I'm really not this angry in person. I have lots of things to be thankful for. November is a month of thankfulness... is thankfulness even a word? I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. Soon Christmas will be here. I cannot believe it's coming so fast. I'm planning on getting my brother that cool light saber ... from the sith! muhahaha I haven't decided on what I'm buying my sister. I was thinking a DS so she can play cross-the-states games with me. They both cost about the same. My mom... I don't even know where to begin. I'd like to get her another one of those flowers I got her last year, it was pretty cool. ahhh Kara's wedding is in like ... two weeks :-x crazy times people Everyone I know is getting married or having a baby!

I'm blogging here

I haven't blogged in a while. Months to be exact. I used to use Livejournal everyday, then I got a second job. Here's my intro: My name is Marcy. I work with people with developmental disabilities full time 5 days out of the week (but I'm there everyday) and part time at the local video store (and I'm there everyday too.) I really should find a good bar. I call myself an artist but I really haven't painted in a long time except for things I do at the group home like the halloween decorations I made for our party. Once in a while the video store has me use my calligraphy skills on signage. Music is a big passion of mine. I sing everyday and listen to an ecclectic mix of things I hear off of movies, the radio, and my mom's record collection. I love to cook and garden. I'm always playing games (card games, classics, and of course my new DS) I am a dork. I am currently living with my dad due to financial hardships. My dad is cool in a mad scientist kind of way. I visit my mom when I make time. There's always something going on at the farm. My mom has a large veal operation. When I first lived there I was vegetarian for a year! I've been really worried about my brother. He's depressed over a douchebag guy. The "ex" I call him gruesome but his real name is Greyson. He crushed my brother's heart, my brother still has the ring he was going to give him... I wish he would sell it or something. Anyway, gruesome, has been hanging out with my brother a lot the past month and all the sudden is in a relationship with someone else. My brother got his hopes up again. At the same time Greyson did tell him that he wasn't interested in anything more than friends. I just hate to see my brother suffer over this guy. blah! Yesterday my brother called me and we were on the phone for two hours, we weren't really talking, he just didn't want to feel alone. So he got on aim while I watched a movie. My brother just turned 30 this month. I think it's getting to him. I'm 23 and I feel like my bioligical clock is ticking. I want that feeling of a family all the time! I keep telling him about my five year plan. Yes, I have a five year plan... My five year plan for me and my brother (which I know this will not work out like that b/c life is messy and chaotic) but for him to finish his doctorite and move back to the area, find someone amazing who will knock his socks off but still be a decent person (no more bitchy, no heart, namecallers) and for us to hang out more. For me to graduate from college, share a place with a boyfriend or who knows fiance, and have a new five year plan. Oh I forgot my favorite part of the 5 year plan Bert comes over for a huge dinner every sunday. I miss the family gatherings we used to have every sunday at my aunt's house. Well I've been rambling a lot! I should save some for the next time I write. Only two more days til the halloween party! I'm getting excited. I'll take picture of the decour.