to the better times

Well, I haven't fallen off a cliff. I took a mini-vacation for Kara's wedding which was awesome. (pictures on my myspace) I got a cold while I was there though which sucked and I'm pretty sure I had a fever during the reception b/c I felt kinda woozy. It didn't help that I drank and on the way to the reception felt car sick BECAUSE I GOT TO RIDE IN A LIMO! (which was still awesome even though I felt really sick) I met some really awesome people and made friends. Someone even asked for my number :) Do you ever feel like you're a big loser and no one likes you and then you go hang out with old friends and they tell you how great and funny you are and then someone even says that you're pretty? I love those kind of weekends. Makes me feel better about me. B/c I'm really mean to me sometimes. You are your own worst judge. That is the truth. However, when I got back sunday I found out that a good friend, individual of mine from work died. I'm still really shooken up about it. It's shocking/paralyzing. I just talked to her a week ago and today she's dead. She had a heart attack and it would have happened whether she was with us or at Elcor. She had a tear in her heart, her aortic valve. She went very quickly. I just can't believe it though. I went to her funeral today and it's really hard to hold back the tears. It's hard to be at work, it's hard to hug people, it's hard to watch people cry. People that have known her for their whole life just break down. I feel like breaking down. She used to say "nobody loves me" and it pains me to think that she really felt that way. There were so many people at her funeral. So many people just aching b/c they'll never see her again. We used to sing every freaking day. The stupidest songs. Every morning I would go into her room and say "goooooooooddddd morning Marijean!" and she would say "it's vietnam I don't want to get up" She was so smart, funny, and caring. I just miss her so much. I'm trying to remember the good times and bad times to honor her life. But I know I'm selfish and have to cry to heal. This is just really hard for me to deal with right now. Already they're talking about filling her room with someone new. It makes me feel a little sick when I think about it. The funeral was very nice. It was a catholic funeral and very respectful. It was closed casket which I'm kind of upset about b/c to me this seems all so surreal. I know it's sick but I want proof. I want concrete evidence that she's gone. That it's not a box. And I know it's not a box but it just is so much. She really was my friend. I cared for her b/c it was my job but I really did care and it sucks.