to the better times

Well, I haven't fallen off a cliff. I took a mini-vacation for Kara's wedding which was awesome. (pictures on my myspace) I got a cold while I was there though which sucked and I'm pretty sure I had a fever during the reception b/c I felt kinda woozy. It didn't help that I drank and on the way to the reception felt car sick BECAUSE I GOT TO RIDE IN A LIMO! (which was still awesome even though I felt really sick) I met some really awesome people and made friends. Someone even asked for my number :) Do you ever feel like you're a big loser and no one likes you and then you go hang out with old friends and they tell you how great and funny you are and then someone even says that you're pretty? I love those kind of weekends. Makes me feel better about me. B/c I'm really mean to me sometimes. You are your own worst judge. That is the truth. However, when I got back sunday I found out that a good friend, individual of mine from work died. I'm still really shooken up about it. It's shocking/paralyzing. I just talked to her a week ago and today she's dead. She had a heart attack and it would have happened whether she was with us or at Elcor. She had a tear in her heart, her aortic valve. She went very quickly. I just can't believe it though. I went to her funeral today and it's really hard to hold back the tears. It's hard to be at work, it's hard to hug people, it's hard to watch people cry. People that have known her for their whole life just break down. I feel like breaking down. She used to say "nobody loves me" and it pains me to think that she really felt that way. There were so many people at her funeral. So many people just aching b/c they'll never see her again. We used to sing every freaking day. The stupidest songs. Every morning I would go into her room and say "goooooooooddddd morning Marijean!" and she would say "it's vietnam I don't want to get up" She was so smart, funny, and caring. I just miss her so much. I'm trying to remember the good times and bad times to honor her life. But I know I'm selfish and have to cry to heal. This is just really hard for me to deal with right now. Already they're talking about filling her room with someone new. It makes me feel a little sick when I think about it. The funeral was very nice. It was a catholic funeral and very respectful. It was closed casket which I'm kind of upset about b/c to me this seems all so surreal. I know it's sick but I want proof. I want concrete evidence that she's gone. That it's not a box. And I know it's not a box but it just is so much. She really was my friend. I cared for her b/c it was my job but I really did care and it sucks.

We all have something that digs at us

I think I'm going to get an attorney and file bankruptsy. gah! I was supposed to talk to a credit counsellor but they never called me back. That is so discouraging. Anyway in happier news I'm going to be in Kara's wedding this Saturday. I'm excited. I have to get my nails done tomorrow. I just got out of work a little while ago. I was supposed to get out at 9:30p but there's always work to be done. Plus, with state coming soon if you leave anything there will be write ups. I love being threatened. :-p Another person quit our house. I don't see how they can just go. Today I was talking to this lady I work with and I just can't see myself not working with these people . I think that's why I don't pursue the jobs I should be pursuing. I am so poor. Don't pity me I have everything I want. I have terrible persepective, a very weak budget, and no fall back money b/c I buy my wants before my needs. gah I hate myself sometimes. I don't want to blog right now.

my brother is here!

I'm very happy to say my brother is finally here! He's loaded up on xanax though... which makes him less fun. :-\ I hate that I work and I can't see him half the time he's here but alas, that is what happens when you make the kind of bills I make. I'm not the head of the household but I am the first one to wake and the last one to bed. It really sucks. Everyone's too tired to talk. I've been really trying to quit smoking for obvious reasons. My whole family is cancer-prone and I light up whenever I'm stressed and after I eat. Lately I've noticed I've been smoking more than usual. NOT GOOD turn back run for your life, literally. *sigh* I have to be at work at 7am yuck. At least I don't have to work at the video store tomorrow night I can visit with my brother, watch some movies, eat some good food. I stocked up today on junk food. I've been thinking about going on a diet but everytime I do that I buy junk food. I set myself up for failure. I was thinking about playing my DDR game. I lose weight when I play it, and I'm really good at it. (Dance Dance Revolution) check it out, it's wicked fun, if you can keep a beat. I think some schools use it in gym class and music class. oh my Guitar Hero 3 is out! I want it. I have 2, I beat the easy and medium levels.

I was talking to my dad today about going back to college, and he thinks I should go back full time and not have a job. I think that is crazy talk. I can't imagine not having a job. I have one friend who doesn't have a job b/c she's like a princess... she finds a guy and he buys her things. That's not completely true, but it is! damn it! and she doesn't do anything all day. She reads, I wish I got read all day. However! I would go nuts just reading. I like doing customer service b/c it keeps me on my toes. It keeps me engaged. Is that the right word? Like I feel like I am more apathetic and aware of people in general by working with the public. I don't know plus some people really are great, and I love knowing them even on that basic aquiantence level. I love the people I work with at the video store. Seriously, they are amazing people. It changes a lot though. I'm very work oriented. I think about work a lot b/c I don't have a boyfriend. haha!

I get hit on a lot at the video store. It is really awkward. Mostly they're men twice my age who are married, or living with someone women (to whom they have children with) I am not that girl. Just b/c I'm overweight does not mean I have lower standards. I am not a homewrecker. I do not want to date druggies, straight-edgers who have now substitued holes in their body for the drugs they used to do. Come on grow up and think of the future. All I do is think about the future. I am not thinking of the now unless I'm thinking of how much my life sucks sometimes... but then I always have my five year plan(s). I don't know maybe I'm crazy. I should probably go see someone about that.

Oh, My doctor has just decided he'd rather play music than be a doctor. He's on leave. Weird. He's been my doctor for 23 years! I don't like that kind of change. Mostly I don't like the other doctors at the clinic. Mine is the best.

I bought this game last month, and I need to buy more of them. It's called Tantrix. It's these little thick plastic pieces that have arc's on them different color arc's and you have to use so many to make a circle or loop. It's pretty neat. I love mind teasers. I really think that I have like some form of A.D.D. Sorry if I'm scatter brained. I'm more of a free-flowing writer.